Sports and Spitting

By Ron Cocquyt

Tonight is the NFL Draft. There is much excitement about who will draft whom, and whether or not Tom Brady will lead the Bucs to the Super Bowl. But before everyone gets excited about the possibility of sports returning soon, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that the CDC, Dr. Fauci, and Dr. Brix announce during an upcoming press conference that athletes will no longer be allowed to spit. There will be fines and banishment. All of us who’ve been involved in athletics know that one of the preoccupations of most athletes, especially those who play outdoor sports, is spitting. Heaven forbid that spitting be allowed to continue, especially with the threat of Covid-19 forcing us all to hunker down in our clothes closets somewhere in our homes. Think about watching a professional baseball game where batters and infielders can’t spit. What about hockey players? They spit on the ice, they spit on the bench, they spit in the hallway. OMG! This must be legislated against immediately. Golfers spit. Caddies spit. In fact, I think the two sporting activities in which men engage where spitting doesn’t occur are the NBA (because who wants to look at that slop on a gym floor) and fencing. We will, however, see a rise in women’s sports, since I don’t think ladies spit. So we may see the elevation of the Lingerie Football League, Women’s Professional Hockey, and maybe some Women’s Softball. Women are more refined, more dignified, and less likely to slobber all lover their chins. We can’t have NASCAR because pit crews spit, and if there’s wind on the track or at any outdoor sporting event for that matter, those spit particles could infect entire communities. Spitting could be the cause of a pandemic that makes 1918 look like a church picnic. NO MORE SPITTING! Dr. Fauci, save us from ourselves!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *